Vote Hair X
Until now, I have never considered voting Tory – but I’m wavering. It’s not the policies, the TV debates, my anger at Labour or my doubts about the Lib Dems. It’s the hair. My local Tory candidate for Brighton Kemptown, Simon Kirby, simply has the bravest haircut I have ever known. There are those seeking our vote who have fought for their country, worked in coal mines, even been prepared to share a cab with Alan Duncan, but none are as courageous as Simon Kirby.
This is a haircut that is uniquely British. In fact in many ways it is three haircuts, a sweep back, a forward comb-over and a stylised question mark leaning to the right – just as Mr Kirby would like us to do. It takes its inspiration from so many seminal visual moments in our cultural life. The Whigs in Westminster (Could it possibly be one?); Little Lord Fauntleroy; Liberace; Rick Astley. But perhaps most significantly, Tim Nice but Dim. It’s as if Simon has marched into a hairdresser in Hove or Peacehaven (for this cannot be a Brighton haircut) and demanded ‘I want you to make me look dim yet privileged. And don’t forget to emphasise the ginger. That’s what the people really want.’
You must remember that just as Detroit is MotorCity, Brighton is HairCity. There are surely more hairdressers per head in this town than any other in the UK. I counted more than 250 in B&H alone. In fact, the council has recently introduced a new policy. Whenever a local trader such as a butchers, a bakers or scented candle stickmakers closes down, they can only be replaced by a national coffee chain serving bad coffee at extortionate prices, a newsagent selling beer to minors at 50p a can, a novelty sweet shop selling old fashioned sweets (that we used to like when were kids and didn’t know any better but we don’t now). Or a hairdresser.
But Kirby is clearly a man more interested in substance than style. He cares more about our splintered society than his own (split) ends. He is there for us and our concerns not damaged and fly away like other politicians.
I have tried on various occasions to find out who cuts Simon’s hair but have met with no response. But should he prove victorious, Kirby has promised to be totally open about his expenses. And perhaps we will then discover who is responsible for this unique, potentially vote winning, haircut. It’s a close run race in Brighton Kemptown and Simon’s in the fight of his life. But you never know, with a fair wind and a little moulding mud, he could just take it by a head.
Si Beales firstname.lastname@example.org April 27th 2010